Friday, February 4, 2011

Before I Was A Mom

I came across this poem (below) recently & it just has so much truth to it... at least for me. Having children makes you feel ways in which you never knew were possible. Ever since I had my baby girl two months ago, I have been so emotional (starting the day I came home from the hospital). It really caught me off-guard because I'm not usually like that & I kept wondering what was wrong with me... Why can't I just snap out of it?. I never cried this much after the birth of any of my other children, what is up?!... I thought. At first, I was thinking it was just because I was having a hard time adjusting to the extra workload of now having four children, ages 9, 2, 1 and a newborn. That's definitely been the case, but I don't think that's what's been the hardest for me.

I've now come to realize it's because I know this is my last baby (& my only girl) & I just feel like life is speeding by too fast. I just want to freeze time. Soak it all in. A couple of weeks ago, I packed up all the newborn baby girl clothes that my little one had outgrown. That was hard for me. With each milestone she reaches, I know that I will never have a child go through that stage again. Will I remember it? Did I take enough pictures? Or videos? I should be happy because she's smiling & cooing now, but instead, a lot of times I have felt sad over the past few months. She's already 12 pounds. Slow down, baby girl!

But what do I have to be sad about?! This is the life I've always wanted. The Lord has blessed me immensely with 4 children that I just adore... that make my heart feel so full. That make me laugh everyday. That give the best hugs & cuddles. That long for my attention & say, "Mama, watch!" before showing me something new & silly they can do.

Each stage with them has been fun. And Lord willing, we'll have many more stages ahead. My heart goes out to Dana at Roscommon Acres, who suddenly lost their sweet 22-month-old little boy in December. It's such a sad story but is a reminder to me that our children really belong to the Lord anyway. I also have 4 friends who have miscarried this past year. I feel so bad for them. We were pregnant together. I don't understand why my babies lived and theirs didn't. We never know what the future will hold. Or why. But we can trust God that He has a purpose for everything He does.

No, I don't have to remember every detail. But I don't have to just watch helplessly as life flies by either. I can be more deliberate at recording some of the things I do want to remember. So I've started carving out a few minutes each day to take pictures, write things down, back up my computer, etc. It doesn't really take much time. And it's been helping. I feel better now. I haven't been as emotional. Okay, I'm crying a little right now, but that doesn't count. I love my kids!

I also hadn't been getting out much. Going anywhere just seemed too hard. Too much stuff to pack up. Diaper bag, stroller, blankets, snacks, etc. Made me tired just thinking about it. It had been a long time since we had gone anywhere fun as a family. But my brother & sister were here visiting last week & so we spent a lot of quality time doing things together like going to the coast, the park, even just walking around the mall.

That helped a lot. Just getting out of the house. I needed that. Helped lift my spirits. Okay, I did forget to pack diapers when we went out the first day they were here, but still, it helped me realize 'I can do this!'. No, my children are not going to stop growing. Yes, they are going to continue to reach milestones, ones they will never repeat. All the more reason I need to spend my time enjoying them rather than feeling sad.

Okay, so here's the poem...

Before I Was A Mom
Before I was a Mom, I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on... pooped on... spit on... chewed on... peed on... or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom, I had complete control of my mind... my thoughts... my body... and my money. I slept all night before I was a Mom. I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know the bond between a Mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth... the joy... the heartache... the wonderment... or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

This post is linking up with: Gratituesday.

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious?
Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

1 comment:

Krystyn said...

Such sweet sentiments.

I try to remember as much as I can...but I know there are already things I forget (some I'm thankful, I forget, some not as much).

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